“I adulation your hair!” The animadversion comes from a middle-aged frat boy at the Italian restaurant area I’m dining with my co-showrunner, Janine Sherman Barrois. He followed her to our table, and now he’s extensive out like he’s about to draft her locks. Suddenly, a anxious aide appears, exiling the man to the added ancillary of the bar to accomplishment his drink. It happens afresh back the three of us—me, Janine, and our co-executive producer, Nicole Jefferson Asher—are sitting at a altered berth in the aforementioned restaurant. Another inebriated booth beneath the spell of our atramentous babe magic, conceivably cogent what he can’t say back sober, slurs at us, “Black beard is beautiful.” At our panels and screenings for the Netflix bound alternation Self Made: Inspired by the Activity of Madam C.J. Walker, atramentous bodies in the admirers nod agreeably and smile with pride at the comedy of three atramentous women agitation accustomed hair. It’s true: Our apparition of curls—frizzy loose, bound twisted, and lushly thick—make us a arresting trio. But it wasn’t consistently so.
When I started alive on Self Made, my beard was Brazilian-ed to a cartilage beeline apathy and absolute the chestnut blush that Tina Fey already said every woman of a assertive age would eventually have, behindhand of race. I accredit to it as Beyoncé blonde. I admiration what the admirers acknowledgment would’ve been to that hairstyle.
Flo Ngala/Netflix
Self Fabricated is the adventure of a adorableness mogul from the aboriginal 1900s. Madam C.J. Walker, née Sarah Breedlove, was a woman who helped actualize the billion-dollar beard affliction industry and struggled with the abstraction of adorableness for atramentous women and herself. Walker consistently insisted she wasn’t aggravating to accomplish atramentous women attending like white women. But one hundred years later, there I was, antic the apotheosis of the white adorableness standard: beeline albino hair. Societal conduct and systemic racism had assertive me that befitting to this accustomed was added adorable than my accustomed hair, and the affidavit was tucked into my mother’s scrapbooks: hundreds of old photos, a beheld account of my complicated beard journey. Like best diaries, it apparent an uncomfortable, sometimes cringeworthy past. As Walker says in the aboriginal adventure of our series, “I had a Kane vs. Abel accord with my hair.”
In elementary academy my mom did my hair. I suffered through sleeping in painful, pastel-colored wire curlers to accomplish that archetypal Jayne Kennedy look. She pulled my attic to snare-drum binding for ponytails on either ancillary of my arch on bad beard days. I wore frayed and coiled cornrows at summer sleep-away affected because I couldn’t administer my own hair. I endured whatever eyebrow-raising appearance my dad could aggregation back my mom went into the hospital—just like the Oscar-winning activated abbreviate Beard Adulation shows.
Amanda Matlovich/Netflix
In aerial school, I activated my newfound ability by accepting a perm so bone-straight, my dad said with dismay, “You attending like a white girl.” I was stung and confused. Wasn’t continued beeline beard what I was declared to be activity for? But he was right—by radically altering my beard I’d afflicted article capital about who I was. That is the ability of hair. And the ability of adamant teenage-girl rebellion. Daddy didn’t like my beeline hair? Again that’s absolutely how I’d abrasion it—and again some.
"I acquainted as admitting I’d accustomed up my appropriate to be allotment of the chat about Walker's action to accomplish atramentous women’s beard advantageous and respectable."
By academy I’d approved it all: blowouts, bangs, bleaching. Like every atramentous babe I knew, I’d had the requisite beard adversity back a highly-recommended flush Boston salon airy my Sun In-bleached hair, and clumps of it came out in the stylist’s easily until my beard was—insert the complete of a feel breeze here—“that long,” as my mother acclimated to say. Surprisingly, this resulted in the easiest beard appearance of my life: a abbreviate and annoying Tina Turner ‘do. Great for a bedrock star, not adequate as an entry-level agent in accumulated America, area the burden to accommodate by draft drying, collapsed ironing, and columnist and crimper blanket hours of my activity every morning. Decades and several ambiguous actinic processes later, I apparent the Brazilian. I replaced the buttery able of the perm with the affluence of washing, draft drying, and administration my beard in beneath than twenty minutes. Who cared if the formaldehyde in the artefact ability account cancer?
Courtesy Elle Johnson
I brought all this accoutrements with me back I landed in the writers’ allowance for Self Made. Spending hours every day, for weeks on end, talking about colorism and the backroom of atramentous women’s beard artlessly got me cerebration about my own. As a light-skinned atramentous woman, I was affected about actuality albino and accepting straightened hair. I acquainted as admitting I’d accustomed up my appropriate to be allotment of the chat about Walker's action to accomplish atramentous women’s beard advantageous and respectable. She was ultimately successful—we’re now active in a time back accustomed beard is not alone added accepted, but acclaimed and alike envied—and I had to ask myself why I was still block an antebellum angle of beauty. Again I accomplished I didn’t alike apperceive what my accustomed beard looked like anymore. Like Auntie Maxine, I capital to accost my time and alpha over. But I was abashed to carefully cut it all off. I was on lath with the cultural anarchy of the Big Chop in theory, but this accommodation acquainted added personal. It wasn’t about advantageous beard but a advantageous attitude. Again I begin the absolute excuse: Halloween was coming.
In the past, I’d dressed as Rachel from Blade Runner with bonanza bangs and a achievement roll; Diana Ross with a Supremes-style bob; and back my beard would not behave, I donned a neon-orange balaclava and went as an bearding affiliate of Pussy Riot. The year before, I went as “Don’t Hurt Yourself” Beyoncé with cornrows and attitude. This time, I absitively to go as one of the Dora Milaje, the angry changeable warriors from Atramentous Panther. I told my beautician to cut off annihilation that was candy or dyed. Twenty account later, I was larboard with the new advance that was—snap your fingers—that long. I acquainted ailing back I saw my beard alone on the attic about my feet. For the draft of the day, I smiled through abuse adulation that said I had a appealing face so I could cull it off, the association actuality that my beard was no best attractive. I went to bed activity like I’d fabricated a mistake.
Courtesy Elle Johnson
But back I woke the abutting morning and ran my fingers through my hair, I acquainted chargeless and unencumbered. That was powerful. I was addled with the affective angle that I'd never absolutely apparent what my own beard looked like—I alone anytime saw it indirectly, as a absorption in a mirror. What was best important now was how my beard acquainted and how it fabricated me feel, and my short, accustomed beard was activity adult as hell. I admired the thickness, the bolt of the curls, the arrangement in the twists. I abnormally admired that instead of accepting up two hours aboriginal to wash, draft dry, and flat-iron, I could now cycle out of bed for a 6 a.m. alarm time and beating artefact into my towel-dried beard for beneath than a minute. And my curls were attractive beautiful abundant to get adulation from the professionals on the set of Self Made, including Octavia’s glam band and Ms. Spencer herself.
It’s been added than a year back I cut my beard and I’ll be honest: I’m still not satisfied. I appetite the curls to be bigger, wilder, alike added unruly—more like me. My hairstyle is still evolving, but this time I’m not on somebody else’s journey. This beard adventure is all mine.
Self-Made: Inspired by the Activity of Madam C.J. Walker is now alive on Netflix.
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